Wow. I have not blogged in forever. Like literally forever. I've been super busy, super distracted, and super distant from Facebook and my blog. So I want to give you all an update on how I am doing.
So I got asked the other day to participate in a "how you are doing" post for my APD fans. That made me start to think. Everybody on social media, specifically Facebook, only posts things that everyone wants to see. People post the happy pictures of their kids. The good vacations. The sunny days. Their accomplishments. They post the perfect side of them. I do it too. We all do it. Because that's what everybody hopes for.
There is no sad kids, stressful vacations, or rainy days on Facebook. Everybody finds and posts the positive all over Facebook. But that is not reality. Reality is that everybody has bad days, and everybody goes through hard times. If the only thing we are sharing with friends is the good, how is that helping the people who's lives are filled with flaws (according to social media), and the people who feel like nothing is going right? They can't relate to Facebook..the most used social media website. Everybody is constantly comparing their own life to their Facebook friends' lives. No one is sharing their bad side.
So I'm here to tell my APD fans that life is not perfect.. My life is not perfect. There is no such thing as "perfect", so take that out of your vocabulary right now. Life is hard. Life is not easy. Yes, I am a very positive person and try to be positive to help all of you, but in reality some days I don't have much hope. And I bet all of you reading this right now have felt or currently are feeling the same way. I bet most of you are getting a pit in your stomach just reading this. I am.
I've been there. I am there. I am not in school right now because I am stuck. I know what I want to do with my life.. I want to work with children and be a positive influence in the lives of little ones. But I have this big fat thing that is standing in my way. It's called SCHOOL. It's screaming at me, it's pushing me backwards, it's a heavy burden on my back. School is not easy. It takes a lot of inner strength for me to even just think about going back. I actually have to tell myself to ignore how terrified I am to go back. I am so terrified, but I know in order for me to do what I want to do, I have to finish school. And that's where I am standing. SCHOOL. In my head I hear myself say.. "I have to go back to school." "There is no way I'm ready to go back." "There's no way I will ever finish school." "I wanna go back to school." "I hate school." Just writing this makes me feel a little sick inside. I go back and fourth, back and fourth. It is exhausting.
So all of you who think I am successful in school, I want you to know that I have been successful in school, but right now I am frozen. I bet most of you reading this don't feel so alone now. Am I right? Don't you just want to quit sometimes? Don't you ever just want to yell at your learning disability and other life obstacles and tell them to go away? Right now, I am mad.. Let me re-word that.. I am pissed off that I have all of these challenges that I feel like no one else has to face. Not just APD which is a huge part of this, but I also have other life challenges, and somedays I just want to hide under my covers and disappear. Some days, I want God to take me to heaven right then and there. I feel weak all the time because I think that way.
I got a job a few weeks ago. It took a lot of energy, going back and fourth about it, for me to get a job and commit to it. Everyday, it takes so much energy out of me just to show up at work. It is a stressful task. It's not easy. Even just calling friends, and doctor's offices back seems like homework for me. Stress. And a lot of it.
I want to be the one to tell you that all of these things I feel, and all of the things you feel are completely normal. Everybody has them. Everybody.
But nobody ever shows it. But I want to show you all today that I can relate to your hopeless thoughts. I can relate to your day to day struggles. I know for me, when I see someone struggling just like me, I don't feel so alone. I do not hope for anyone to struggle, but I know a lot of struggling people have helped me to keep going. And I know from experience that having APD can feel pretty lonely.
I want to tell you that you are not alone. I feel that way too sometimes.. Let's be real. I feel that way all of the time.
You are not alone.